Let Them Go: A Lesson On Boundaries

Let. Them. Go.

I am sure you have heard mixed reviews of the past few years. People use many different words and phrases to express their feelings about 2020-21 and COVID: "worst year ever," "traumatic," "best year ever," "most challenging," "year of growth," etc. To everyone, I say, YOU ARE CORRECT! But how can that be? How can a year be both amazing and horrific at the same time? To those questions, I say “perspective.” Each person experienced this time differently and depending on those experiences is how we behaved, felt or thought. I believe that this video of Tyler Perry as Madea discusses change, relationships, and growth in a very clear way to help us all understand the importance of letting change occur and sometimes, leaning into it! However this year has impacted you, please try to take some time to focus on yourself and grow with this time of difficult, amazing, or traumatic experiences! 

The version of “letting go” that is discussed in the video deals with letting go of relationships that are not serving you and is a great step towards personal growth. One step to take to practice letting go is to first validate how you are feeling.

“It’s all right to sit around and be depressed for a minute, cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don’t stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life!”

Far too often, we do not like what we are feeling so we make every attempt to not feel that emotion any longer - or numb out. Maybe for you, that looks like using substances (smoking marijuana, drinking alcohol, taking pills, etc.), having sex, pushing away your thoughts, or using any other type of distraction (healthy or unhealthy). For others, we may find ourselves stuck in that depression, anger, trauma, etc. and have a hard time getting out of it. When we constantly seek to numb or are not releasing any of these intense feelings, we are only delaying the inevitable. I often use an analogy of a water balloon with my clients. If you continuously fill a water balloon up with water, but never release any of the water, what will eventually happen?…It will pop! The same thing can happen when we are not releasing our emotions and lived experiences. Every day, we are experiencing a slew of emotions, many good and many bad. The positive and comfortable emotions tend to fuel us with energy, confidence, comfort, etc. The uncomfortable and negative emotions however, have the tendency to bring us down, feel more depressed/angry/etc. Both categories of feelings are incredibly important and normal to experience, but when we do not recognize/validate, process, and release those negative/intense emotions and lived experiences, this can have a negative impact on our cardiovascular health, immune system, gastrointestinal health, and overall lifespan. So let us try not to let our balloons pop, and practice validating and expressing our emotions!

The next step in letting go may look like you taking time to establish what you want in your relationships and look at what is working for you now…as well as what is not: the good, the bad, the ugly! Below, you will find six types of personal boundaries. It is important for us to recognize what our boundaries are in different relationships (intimate, family, work, friendships, etc.) because you may feel resentful and exhausted without them. Setting boundaries with the people in our life has a profound impact on our overall well-being and they are crucial to the success of these relationships. It may sound like an easy task to accomplish, but this is very difficult for many people to do because they are afraid that it may push people out of their life. As Madea says “if somebody wanna walk out of your life…LET THEM GO! Especially if you’ve done all that you can do…you sat around and been the best man/woman you can be, and they still wanna go, LET THEM GO!” All parties in a relationship have the right to feel respected, comfortable, and validated. If you setting healthy boundaries with someone is not respected or honored, ask yourself if having that person in your life is truly something beneficial to you.

Types of Personal Boundaries

• Physical

  • Personal space and physical touch

  • Healthy boundaries include an awareness of what is appropriate, and what is not, in various settings and typicals of relationships (e.g., hugs, kiss, shake hands, etc.).

  • Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when they invade your personal space.

• Intellectual

  • Thoughts and ideas

  • Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas, and an awareness of appropriate discussion (e.g., talking about the weather, politics, work, etc.).

  • Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.

• Emotional

  • A person’s feelings

  • Healthy emotional boundaries include limitations on when to share, and when not to share, personal information and feelings (e.g., gradually share personal information during the development of a relationship).

  • Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates another person’s feelings.

• Sexual

  • The emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality

  • Healthy sexual boundaries involve mutual understanding and respect of limits and desires between sexual partners.

  • Sexual boundaries are violated with unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments.

• Material

  • Money and possessions

  • Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you will share, and with whom.

  • Material boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages a person’s possessions, or when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions.

• Time

  • How a person uses their time

  • Healthy time boundaries looks like a person who sets aside enough time for each facet of their life (e.g., work, relationships, hobbies, etc.).

  • Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of another’s time.

“Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season.”

If you are finding it difficult to let someone, try to repeat this statement to yourself for some encouragement and motivation. We learn from all people in our life, whether they are there for a season or for the long haul. Madea goes on to explain how some people in our life represent parts of a tree:

“Some people are like leaves on a tree; the wind blows, they over here, they unstable. Blows the other way and they are over here. Season changes, they wither and die, they gone. It’s alright! Most people in the world are like that, they are just there to take from tree - they ain’t there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then.”

“Some people are like a branch on that tree. You’ve got the be careful with them branches too because they’ll fool you. They will make you think that they are a good friend and that they’re real strong, but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry.”

“But if you find you two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed because them the kind of people who ain’t going nowhere…If the roots weren’t there, the tree couldn’t live. A tree can have a hundred million branches, but only a few roots at the bottom to make sure it gets everything that it needs.”

Find yourself some some people who are like the roots, or at least people are are willing to listen to you and work on themselves instead of saying they will change, but never do. This won’t be easy, but when you begin to prioritize yourself and your wellness over pleasing others, you will be happier in life. My challenge for you is that you set a boundary in your life today. Maybe it is saying for someone to give you some physical space, or say “no” to hanging out with someone who you do not want to see, or say “yes” to doing some self-care today!